The Last Day

Hurray, it's the last day of NaBloPoMo. I made it to the end but I'm glad it's over. It's hard to come up with something every day especially when your life is as dull as mine. My life continues to generally suck but I try to have hope that things will improve with time.

A Favorite Song

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my forever love
And are you watching over me
From up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breath aways not far to where you are

Lie gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will love on
And never leave
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breath aways not far to where you are

I know you're there
A breath aways not far to where you are
---

Junk Mail

How does one stop the junk mail from coming to a dead person? Is there a "quit sending, he's dead list?" Our cable company won't take Richard's name off our account unless I physically come to their office and sign a form. It costs $35 to get the titles changed on my cars. I hate all these little "death details."

The lovely Christmas address labels were sent to Richard by the American Lung Association.

On a lighter note, I went shopping today and got a lot done. We are adopting a needy family for Christmas and it was fun to pick out clothes and toys for a 6 month old.

I have to work for the next three days and then I plan to decorate my new artificial tree.

Keep moving forward....

No Lights

No shopping for me today. I was at work. We had a power outage for about two hours which can be interesting in a hospital. We had generator power but not all the plug ins work, only three plugs for computers. In the patient rooms, the emergency plug is on the wall opposite the beds, so to use the electric bed controls, the beds have to be turned around backwards. The staff bathroom was totally dark, but luckily I had my flashlight app.

My Thanksgiving

I had a really good Thanksgiving dinner today with my family. I'm thankful we are all able to get together.

I went home to the empty house and took a nap. Have to work tomorrow so no shopping for me.

I could list all the things I'm thankful for, but truthfully, I don't feel very thankful.

So I survived the first holiday. Time for bed.

Pies!

Ready for tomorrow

Humor

Monday

I don't know if I can make it through this month of blogging, totally running out of things to say.

Worked all day, now watching Trauma, not a half bad show. Then I'll watch Castle and go to bed. Work tomorrow and watch TV when I get home.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving, I think...

Sunday

Had a pretty quiet Sunday. I went outside to fill the bird feeders and it started to rain. The birds will have to fend for themselves since I probably won't get out to fill the feeders this week. I'm working every day except Thursday and it's dark when I get home.

I went to Walmart to get groceries including the stuff I have to take to my sister's for Thanksgiving. I always make the pumpkin pies, from the famous recipe on the Libbys can. I use frozen crust. My sisters make real pies. One of them can make real gravy.

Walmart wasn't too weird today, but I'm always looking for the perfect photo to submit to People of Walmart. Check it out, it's pretty funny.

My neighbor must have read my blog! He

My neighbor must have read my blog! He and two friends raked his whole yard today.

I bought a Christmas tree today. It will be my first artificial tree, the start of a new era. Richard and I grew up in the 60s when artificial trees were made of aluminum. You could get a rotating spotlight to shine on the tree to make it change colors. My grandmother had one.

When we got married, we decided that we would always have a real tree, We bought a lighted star for the top that cost $8.99 which was a lot of money for two poor college students. That star was on the top of our tree every year for 38 years. We had bubble lights.

I bought an artificial tree because I'm just not very motivated this year. It was sad standing there among the artificial trees. Richard loved Christmas. He loved decorating and putting the lights on the house, even last Christmas when he could only stand outside and supervise. He would want me to decorate and celebrate so I'm doing the best I can.

Leaf War Suspended

I wish my neighbor would do something about his leaves. Nice guy, but not into yardwork.

I blew my leaves this afternoon. I even cut my grass and cleaned the lawnmower. This should be the last yardwork until the snow comes. I've got a new snowblower so I'm ready. These were Richard's chores. I've kept up with them pretty well.

Brighten Your Day

My daughter sent me these flowers. Brightened up my day!

Sent from my iPhone

Smile on a Stick

I took my smile on a stick to work today since yesterday was such a downer. It was a hit. It was a better day.

This product could come in handy for widows as well. Good to use when you get asked the ever popular question "How are you doing, really?" Just pull out the cardboard smile and you won't have to say anything else.

Flat Me

Work is beating me down. I used to enjoy going to work. I used to be passionate about my job. Not anymore. Maybe I'm just too old and tired of putting up with workplace crap.

I work so that I can get health insurance. That's the only reason...at least for today.

Christmas Presents

I've been thinking about what to get everyone for Christmas. All of my grandkids have plenty of toys. In the past if I buy things without consulting their parents, chances are they already have it. I'm glad they have stuff, but how much do they really need?

My son's work has a program for employees to adopt a family for Christmas. The idea is to buy gifts for the kids and the adults and also provide a food basket. My son suggested that we spend the money that we would have spent on gifts for Richard to provide for a family in Richard's name.

Nice idea, son.

Cradle Catholic

I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school elementary through high school. I experienced a lot of the classic Catholic school horrors...discipline by fear and intimidation. In spite of it all, I did learn to read, even got in trouble in first grade for reading ahead in my reader.

I don't go to church every Sunday in spite of the threat of eternal hellfire for missing Mass. I did go today.

After all this time I'm not really sure if I believe in it all or not. Richard had a very strong faith and I was glad because it helped him at the end of his illness. He joined the church after we had kids. He didn't grow up with any religion. I had to pay $5.00 for permission to marry him in my church because he was not baptized. I don't know if they still have that rule.

I usually find some comfort in the ritual of the Mass. Today it made me sad. I kept getting mental images of Richard's face in the last minutes after he died, I don't know why. Some days I just can't get thoughts like that out of my head. The grieving goes on...

Facebook

As you can see, I added a Facebook widget to this blog. Please feel free to send me a friend request, not that many people are reading anyway!

I've been playing a Facebook game called Bejeweled Blitz. I like it because it is short, only one minute at a time. There's a tournament every week. My son and daughter in law are pros at this game. I never beat them, but it's still fun.

Recently I found out that there's an iPhone app for the game. I downloaded it and it's really cool, just like the game, so now I can play it anytime.

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th...not too bad of a day.

Went to work, no crises, got out on time, got called off the extra shift I was scheduled for tomorrow. Home in time to watch Medium.

Life would be good except for the big empty space where Richard used to be.

Tonight I went to my support group

Tonight I went to my support group. It's for young widows (under 65) and is sponsored by Hospice. I've been going since June. It's nice to get together with other women who have experienced the loss of their spouse.

It's seems my greif experience is quite normal. I guess it helps to know you are "normal", even if you don't like your current state of normalcy.

It's hard to be alone at the end of the day. I miss having some one to talk to about my day.

But life goes on, head down and one foot in front of the other....

Zuma's Revenge

I've been playing this game on the computer. In fact I'm just a little obsessive about it. It's a sequel to the original Zuma. I got hooked on that one in 2001 in the lounge of Rochester Methodist Hospital when Richard had his first stem cell transplant.

Zuma's Revenge is essentially the same game with some new twists. I beat the original Zuma, but not doing as well with Zuma's revenge.

Getting a Cat

For most of the years of our marriage, Richard and I had cats. He had a dog growing up, but I converted him to a cat person. Please note that I am not anti-dog, but I do feel that dogs are hgh maintenance. They are very needy. Cats don't require much, a litterbox and some food, and a heat source, also known as a lap.

Our last cat Toonces was 19 years old and had arthritis. It got to the point where she could hardly walk, so she was assisted to the Rainbow Bridge in May. Richard always said that she would outlive him and she did.

Now I'm considering getting another cat. I hate coming home to an empty house, and I'd like a warm body in my bed. My niece raises hairless cats and my sister has two of them. They are quite expensive and tend to die for no apparent reason. My sister has gone through two of them.

My plan is to get an adult cat from a shelter and I hope to get one that is declawed. In principal, declawing a cat is cruel but I want to preserve my furniture.

Now I know why I stopped doing hospital nursing

Now I know why I stopped doing hospital nursing. Too much crap! Too many people misinterpreting various situations that cannot be described here in the interests of condidentiality.. It's a wonder the patients even survive.

Tests that no one in the institution has ever heard of are ordered and when the correct prep/pre procedure is not done, everyone complains. Global emails are sent.

Can I please talk to the person who knows something instead of being transferred from department to department?

Somethings never change. Is it any wonder there's a group on Facebook called

Be kind to nurses. We keep doctors from accidentally killing you

November Sunday

The raccoons came back last night. The opened the garbage cans but they were empty. Gotcha!

That's me sitting on my deck eating an ice cream bar. The weather is beautiful, 72 degrees. Cleaned out my garage and now I'm blogging outside.

I spent a lot of time this AM trying to hook up my DVD player to my giant flat screen TV. It's wall mounted so it's really hard to get to the connections in the back, but ultimately I was successful!

I then did a Lesley Sansone walking video which was my real goal. I celebrated my success with the ice cream bar! Seriously, I need to start exercising. I feel like a blob! Gotta get away from the TV and the computer.

Vandalism By Raccoon

I still want to know how they opened that cabinet!

They'll be surprised tonight when they find all the bird food is gone.

Raccoon Attack

As you may have noticed from my previous posts, I feed birds in my back yard. I keep my bird food in a metal garbage can on my deck. The top fits really tight and I have a bungee cord across the top of the lid. I have more feed in a little free standing wooden storage cabinet that closes with one of those slide in latches.

Recently a herd of raccoons attacked my bird food. They chewed through the bungee cord and took the top off of the metal garbage can and scattered the containers of seed all over the deck. They ate the peanuts and some of the sunflowere seed.

I cleaned up that mess and replaced the bugee cord. A couple nights later they staged a repeat performance. I heard the banging of the garbage can lids and caught them in the act. This time they had the storage cabinet open as well. How did they do that??

I banged on the window and they just paused to look at me and then continued their destructive actions. Finally I opened the door and yelled and they ran away. I heard them out there again later, but I surrenderred and let them have at it.

The mess remains to be cleaned up.

Here's some video of one of the little bandits

Barred Owl Identification All About

I took this picture through my window with my Canon camera with the big zoom. He was very cooperative and didn't fly away when he saw me.

There are several of these owls living in my backyard. They are quite large. Once I saw one carry off a squirrel. They can also be quite loud when they call to each other in the early evening. Check out the link below; there's a really good sound file

Barred Owl, Identification, All About Birds - Cornell Lab of Ornithology

In Native American culture, many tribes saw owls as related to death. When I worked on the Meskwaki Settlement, the tribal members said that seeing an owl meant a death was coming.

OWLS IN AMERICAN INDIAN CULTURE

Among the various Native American Tribes there are many different beliefs regarding the owl.

Apache: Dreaming of an Owl signified an approaching death.

Cherokee: Eastern Screech-owls valued by the shamans as consultants thinking was that they could bring on sickness as a punishment.

Cree: Believed the Boreal Owl whistles were summons from the spirits. If a person answered with a similar whistle and did not hear a response, then he would soon die.
Dakota Hidatsa: The Burrowing Owl was a protective spirit for brave warriors.

Hopis: The Burrowing Owl as a god of the dead. The guardian of fires and tender of all underground things, including seed germination. Their name for the Burrowing Owl is Ko‘Ko it means —Watcher of the Dark“. They also believed that the Great Horned Owl helped their peaches grow.

Inuit: Short-eared Owl was once a young girl who was magically transformed into an Owl with a long beak. But the Owl became frightened and flew into the side of a house, flattening its face and beak. They also named the Boreal Owl —the blind one,“ because of
its tameness during daylight. Inuit children make pets of Boreal Owls.

Kwagulth: Believed that owls represented both a deceased person and their newly-released soul.

Lenape: Believed that if they dreamt of an Owl it would become their guardian.

Menominee: Believed that day and night were created after a talking contest between a Saw-whet Owl (Totoba) and a rabbit (Wabus). The rabbit won and selected daylight, but allowed night time as a benefit to the vanquished Owl

Today

Just got to work and remembered that I needed to blog today so here it
is via iPhone. Maybe more later...

It's later, 4:00 am to be exact. Things are pretty quiet here which is good.

I have one of the Charlaine Harris books on the iphone (Kindle App) to keepme occupied. Her books are the inspiration for the HBO series True Blood of which I am a fan.

I like the work on this shift; it's the day after that's the hard part. Gettin' too old to be sleep deprived. Glad I mostly work in the daytime.
Sent from my iPhone

All Souls Day

Today is All Souls Day, when the Catholic Church honors the dead. In our church they have a special Mass where the names of those who have died in the past year are read aloud and relatives are invited to light a candle for the deceased person.

Other countries have much more interesting ways of celebrating, especially Mexico where the Day of the Dead can be quite a celebration.

I received a letter from our church inviting me to this Mass and a supper to follow. At first, I was not going to go because I had to work, but then I thought about the priest reading his name and having no one there to remember him. Not entirely rational thinking, I know.

So now I'm going, and just be a little late to work. I'll have to skip the supper.

Continuing Education

Here at nursing conference. Lots of memories in this town. Not sure it
was such a good idea to come here. Too sad.When am I gonna start enjoying the memories?

We had a good time trick or treating last night

We had a good time trick or treating last night. Ate too much as usual. One of the kids, Grady, was sick and couldn't come with us. Bummer.

Pictured are Darth Vader without mask, cat (my daughter, the aunt), lion cub, and red-eyed, toothless devil.

Thanks Dad

I've been reading some other blogs written by widows, Many have small children and are now not only dealing with the loss of their spouse, but also with the difficulties of single parenthood.

I'm thankful my children had their father while they were growing up. He was a great father. He changed diapers and took care of a three year old and infant twins on weekends so I could work. He even put pony tails in the girls hair. He coached their sports teams and helped them with their school work. He taught them to drive. He lent them money. He showed them how to live courageously with a terminal illness and how to die with dignity.

I wish he was here with me now.

Summer Food

I went to the Farmer's Market today and got some real, homegrown tomatoes and some sweetcorn. Tonight I had BLTs and corn.

That was one of our favorite summer meals.

Baseball, Bittersweet

We went on our annual baseball trip to Kansas City last week end. It was fun, but would have been better with Richard there.

This is the front of our traditional tee shirt.

2008
2007

(This was also posted to my other blog, The Beast....)

TV

I've been watching the new season of True Blood. I like it because it's different. It's definitely not for children. It's nothing like Twilight.

Richard would have hated it.

Speaking of which, I watched the Twilight movie recently. Worst movie made from a book that I have ever seen! I won't be watching the sequels.